By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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