I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
