i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
