Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
