I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I touched a dick in church today
My life is pants optional.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
