So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
