plz talk dirty to me
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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