there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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