3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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