My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
vagina is talking i cant
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
