i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize