im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
