Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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