I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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