i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
