who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
