OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
