Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
