someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
