i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
