whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I wish there were birth control emojis
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
