I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
