6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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