Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
