Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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