Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
