bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
