he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
