Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
