i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize