Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
