I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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