Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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