i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
