I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
There's always time for handjobs
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
