My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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