Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
being pregnant is like rehab
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
