You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
