you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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