I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
