You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
