My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
