If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
