I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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