We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
