The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
