i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize