I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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