oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
