Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
