Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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