she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
