She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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