Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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