where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I hate all girls vehemently.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
