I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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