I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
