We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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