He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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