i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
